the happiest place on earth?

i love vegas. it's disneyland for adults. why, you may ask? aside from the very metaphorical meaning - grown-up playground of debauchery, alcohol, gambling, sex and other forms of excess - it also literally has theme-park elements. such as: overly chlorinated water in fake canals/rivers etc., a MONORAIL for christ's sake, lots of maps to direct you around town and inside casinos, souvenir shops and other money traps (read: slot machines) around every corner, arcades, corporate-owned everything (or at least mogul-owned - for example, MGM grand shower heads and towels, strategically located food stands, and smaller faker replicas of larger, cooler things (excalibur, new york new york, the venetian, paris, luxor, even lame-ass mandelay bay). except the difference between main street, USA of disneyland and the las vegas strip is that in THIS main street USA, you can buy booze and carry it down the street and people hand out cards for call girls and hookers.

in other words, wtf?

turns out, however, that i LOVE vegas. not for its gambling, drinking or strippers, but for its people watching. and also because it's FUN. all the hotels are really cool. we arrived at the MGM grand after driving all the way down the strip (from circus circus and wynn. [with a period] on the north side to the south side where MGM is located). unfortunately we realized that the red hat society ("ladies over 50 for fun and friendship") were staying in our hotel - approximately 6000 of them. we therefore had to wait in an epic line to check in, where the usual problem of people thinking that dan and i were a couple happened: "is it just the two of you?" "yes." "so just a king bed, then?" "no." odd stare.

this continued to happen all night, mostly because of the money issue. i was dan's sugar mama for most of the night, because i owed him for the room and for the dinner. so every time we got to a bar, we both ordered and then i paid with my debit card. every single bartender commented on it, i kid you not. "so ms. wood's picking up the tab tonight, huh?" "so i guess it's miss emily here who's paying?" i think they thought he was my paid escort - because NO woman pays for a drink in vegas, at least no woman pays for someone else's drink.

anyway, after showering in the hotel (very large bathroom with MGM grand labels on the towels and showerhead, which was just a corporate version of dorm showerheads, btw), we went out to see the town. we walked to the venetian, which is really awesome, and i don't just say that because they have a burberry boutique. it's so weird - dan said it was like the real venice only cleaner. the inside, in case you haven't been there, is a fake version of the canals - including fake evening sky and gondolas for hire. there's also a fake st. mark's square, where we had our first drink of the night and chatted with the bartender marco about how it was cool because there were no pigeons. then was dinner back at the MGM at wolfgang puck's. very tasty, plus we got money off as part of our room reservation, so we basically got free wine. after dinner we decided to go off to see the town - luxor (cool bar on the second floor), mandalay bay (kind of lame), then after lots more tram/monorailing, bally's (on way to paris), paris (like venice only the fake eiffel tower inside is truncated oddly when it hits the fake sky), and then bellagio. we got past the hottttttt shops (i almost died outside chanel and fendi) just in time to see the last fireworks show of the night and pretend we were in ocean's 11. we planned on going to the ghost bar, which has a great view of the strip, but realized it was actually OFF strip in the palms (which incidentally i have been informed is owned by the sacramento kings). exnay on the ghostinis, we returned to tabu, the hippest club in MGM grand.

this was the real crazy vegas shit, because there the people-watching began in earnest. unlike LA hipsters who are hyper-conscious of their image, vegas types are actually TOTALLY unaware of what they're projecting. and they're just bizarre. the whole place is bizarre. there were lots of couples who were majorly into PDA (the whole hand in back pocket routine), herds of young men with beers and polo shirts (and asshole auras), and of cousre the aforementioned red hat society. in tabu ("seven deadly sins? we demand a recount"), we saw the real action. as soon as we got in we saw a bunch of kind of pretty young women (around 24-25 ish) in expensive jeans and heels, dancing with each other in poorly executed but well-intended lesbianish fashion. why? because they were getting free champagne and bottle service from the group of 45-years-or-older beer-bellied men wearing hawaiian shirts tucked into their pleated khakis. so very strange. at first i thought the girls were only going so far as dancing with them or sort of chatting with them in order to get the drinks, but after a little while they actually left the bar with them, to do god knows what. they weren't prostitutes, just desperate.

after a little while some more entertaining and less sad customers entered the establishment - 3 breakdancers, one of whom was this asian guy with a fedora who was like MJ incarnate. kind of awesome. they must have been friends with the DJ because soon after their arrival he moved into funk & soul night and started playing some gooooood shit. dan pretty much wanted to die i think. then, a group of girls came into the bar, loosely attached to a couple of nerdyish guys drinking beer in buddy holly glasses. the girls were fun - like the DGSC only with less shame. i decided they were from texas, just because i could. all of them danced like maniacs, and it was fun to watch them carry out their attempts to seduce the nerdy guys and try to entice them to shake their poor whiteboy hips. one of them was pulled onto the floor by the asian fedora dude and she ROCKED OUT. i'm sad that she left before they could bone. all of this continued... we just people-watched until 3 am.

god i love vegas.